Letting go

As a part of my own nesting process, I created a "honey do" list for Nate. Of course... have you met me?! A lot of these things aren't things that I can do (ie paint the kitchen) and really aren't necessary to prepare for Cart's arrival next Tuesday (I never said my list was logical!). But one of the things that was important to me was clearing out a couple of binders and boxes of paperwork left over from Will and Luke's birth and subsequent 75 day hospitalization.

Let me just say that the Paper Reduction Act of 1995 failed.

So I sat down for several hours today and poured over documentation from hospitals, doctors, insurance companies, everyone... thousands of pieces of paper. And when the organizational process was complete, I had about 10 pieces of paper in my "keep" pile and about three thousand pieces of paper in my "shred" pile.

These are documents that I thought I would hold onto forever. These are Explanations of Benefits from insurance companies that when totaled, prove that Will and Luke are "million dollar babies." These are documents that I thought were required to define the early life of my sons. Emotions can do weird things to you sometimes. So can pregnancy hormones.

What I realized today is that by holding onto these documents, I never truly accepted and let go of the trauma and drama that surrounded their arrival.

So I am still sitting here. Only now I am shredding paper. I am realizing as the whirring blades of the shredder destroy these documents that this is the perfect time to get rid of this baggage. With our decision to expand our family, we made a statement that we are not going to be defined by fear of history repeating itself with a premature birth. My sons are not defined by paperwork. They are defined by their smiles and laughs and personalities. Their futures are bright, and the darkness described in this paperwork can only dim that light.

It feels good to finally let go! Although it is taking longer than expected because our shredder keeps overheating. I have to wait for it to cool down before I can start again. Clearly I held onto too much paper for much too long.

Cart arrives on Tuesday. Oma is here for the next three weeks to help out. It's all good.