Thursday, July 28, 2011

Rough night

Shortly after the boys' bed time, I was folding laundry in the living room and Nate was out walking Otis. Luke came out of his room and told me he needed a towel. I asked why. He said "My bed is wet. But I didn't pee."

I went into the room to first discover that Luke had emptied Will's brand new bottle of saline onto his comforter. My second discovery was Will in the throes of a seizure.

I maneuvered him to the living room without Luke seeming to notice that anything was wrong. As I was getting Will's emergency seizure medicine together, Nate and Otis returned. Nate held Will as I gave Will the Versed into his nose.

The Versed takes about 30 minutes to work, so we just sat with Will as he fought to control his eyes and mouth. At times it would seem as though he was about to come out of it, only to plunge into another fit of tongue thrusts and twitching, bewildered eyes.

We're silent during those times. When you contemplate so many quiet thoughts and wait for the minutes to pass. Slowly. Painfully. Helplessly. I find myself hoping that the Versed will work faster each time I administer it. To ease Will's distress sooner.

Life around here has been pretty calm for the past several weeks. No drama. Kind of boring actually. But thats ok. But when things are that calm for long, you find your thoughts becoming braver... "Yes, I can do this. I've got this managed. This life."

The more drama that comes around, and the more silent and longer the moments, the more those thoughts flee. And thoughts of insecurity and fear creep in. "Maybe I can't do this. How did we get here? Who really believes that I am cool and calm? Who chose us for this role? How do we find the strength to keep going when the fear and uncertainty is so pervasive?"

The Versed eventually puts Will to sleep. Usually fitful at first, but after some comfort and readjustment in bed, his mind releases his body from the grips of his seizure and he is peaceful. But we're not peaceful that quickly, and we take turns keeping watch until the peace and release of sleep takes over our bodies and minds, and frees us to find strength and perseverance to do this again tomorrow... and believe that perhaps it can be a good one.

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